Not every strong essay opens with a scene — some open with a stated belief and spend the rest of the essay proving it's earned, not performed. This one answers a "community impact" style prompt: why does this issue matter to you, and what have you actually done about it?

The Prompt (paraphrased — a community-impact / diversity supplemental)

Describe a cause you care about and how you've contributed to addressing it.

One of my major lifelong goals is to promote minority involvement in STEM. African Americans and Hispanics are vastly underrepresented in the fields of science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. I want to become an example for others to follow and help improve racial diversity in the workplace. As an African American myself, I know firsthand how much representation matters. I'm inspired by seeing people who look like me succeed in a field, and I know others are as well. It makes me think that there is a place for me in whatever career I choose, as long as I continue to work hard. I plan to become one of these influential role models while helping others reach their goals along the way.

VoiceThis opens with a stated goal rather than a scene — riskier than a cinematic hook, because it only works if the rest of the essay backs it up with something concrete. Watch what happens in the next paragraph.

Scarce access to high-level education is a huge reason minorities are underrepresented in STEM jobs. One way I'm committed to combating this issue is through a project I'm currently working on. My goal is to create a website or workshop to help low-income students through the college application process. This includes resources and assistance with the Common Application, college list creation, admission essays, teacher and counselor recommendations, the FAFSA, SAT / ACT prep, and other aspects of the college admissions process. Guiding students through this initial, and sometimes strenuous phase, will make a significant impact on the number of minorities attending college and majoring in STEM fields.

CraftThis is the paragraph that earns paragraph one. The stated belief ("representation matters") is immediately backed by a specific, real, in-progress project — not a hypothetical someday plan. That's the difference between "I care about this" and a claim an admissions reader actually believes.

I believe my next step would be to find a way to help minorities feel comfortable and confident in their major. Studies have shown that twice as many African American and Hispanic students leave STEM majors compared to their white peers. Some reasons for this are a lack of a support system, limited access to tutors or study resources, and discrimination in the field. I plan to combat these issues in college by creating study groups and supporting my peers however I can. I want to provide or create resources to make students feel like they belong and let them know that they are not alone.

Beyond my undergraduate years, I hope to share my knowledge and experiences with future STEM majors to help prepare them for their journey. Becoming a mentor and resource for minority students is important to me because some of them may not have people that they can turn to when they have questions or concerns. I also plan to implement or serve as a mentor in an internship program at my future place of employment. I would like to ensure students of color are introduced to possible future career opportunities while being exposed to work environments that they may not have experienced before.

StructureNotice the timeline moves forward in stages across these two paragraphs — right now, in college, and after college — instead of jumping around. Each stage is a slightly bigger version of the same commitment, so the essay reads as a plan, not a list of unrelated good intentions.

Diverse experiences and perspectives can lead to solutions that can change the world for the better. Players in STEM fields spur innovation which leads to newly discovered products and processes. Helping ensure minorities are equipped to thrive will ensure people of all ethnicities have a voice and are considered when decisions are made that can affect everyone.

What Made This Work

💡 If you're tempted to open with a stated belief instead of a scene: make sure paragraph two has a real, specific example ready — a project, an event, a conversation. A belief without a concrete example right after it reads as a mission-statement, not a story.